Amar Bail

A plant of eternity

Caring hurts…

Posted by Haris Gulzar on June 8, 2009

Some time back, I wrote a post titled “Food for thought” that had a few questions relating to life and the way we live our lives. One of the questions in that post was “Are relations important? Is it important to express their importance?” What I have gone through in the past couple of days has really made me think hard on this question.

Let me directly jump to the main theme of this post. How important can the relationship of care and trust be for a person? For someone, trusting a person and caring for that person would mean a world, but for someone, that very same caring attitude might even make his/her life hell. If I care for a person, I’d ask that person if he’s ok or not, I’d constantly ping that person to be sure that person is feeling good, I’d make that person tell me and share with me whatever there is in his mind that initially made him sad. I’d want to rectify and get rid of all the causes of sadness for that person. But won’t this care hurt that person? Won’t this constant pinging make that person live in his past and not allow him to come out of the tragedies he went through? Should I leave that person alone? Should I give that person enough time with himself to try forgetting his past? Does a caring friend constantly ping and ask his friend if he’s ok or not, or does he leave his friend alone in trying to make his friend comfortable? This takes me to the second question of my post “Food for thought” that asks “Is loneliness important? Why or why not?”


11 Responses to “Caring hurts…”

  1. […] This cup of tea was served by: Amar Bail […]

  2. Shahrukh said

    Yes,u’re very right…atleast it hurts me when my friendz ask me how you are now? or how every body at home? after my father’s death[22nd Apr,2009]…inalillahi wa inna ilayihi rajioon!

  3. Madihah said

    Everyone do need time to be out of some bad patch, for some it takes more time……….. so one should give that time to other.

  4. @Shahrukh: What is important is the intentions of those wanting to care for you. May Allah grant uncle a place in Jannat-ul-firdous. Ameen

    @Madihah: Getting out of the bad patch definitely takes times, but one can only come out of it if he wants to… How much time should a person give to let the other person feel better on his own is a very difficult question in deed…

  5. Raaji said

    People react to different situations differently. Some people love the attention and care they get especially when they are upset while others want to be left alone for some time so that they can figure out their issues themselves. There is no clear cut set formula about caring and sharing that you can apply at everyone.
    and remember that there is so much that we can do for someone. You cannot fix everything for the other person no matter how much you would like too. You can be there for support but it is usually on the other person to be able to figure themselves out.
    I would say start out slowly and ask people if they are alright with your presence, phone calls, text msges etc. if they say NO, then chances are they mean it and you leave them alone for a little while but check up on them from time to time.
    There are definitely people who want their space from time to time and if they dont get it, they get very frustrated. I am one example.
    Lonliness is important. People can be overwhelming, alone-time gives us a chance to think about ourselves and think at the pace that we want to.
    but then again, as with everyone else, alone time should have its limits too.

  6. Room No.90 :P said

    I agree with RAAJI, i like to discuss it form another angle i think its our possessiveness or care, wot ever u like to call it, that motivates us to make dis world ideal and dry all the problems from our frnd’s life, in this effort we go to such an extent where we start claiming individual’s space and then heat starts getting in the relation and the results are disastrous.
    (Personal Experience) 😦

  7. @Raaji: Your comment is a post in itself :-). We should understand if the person we’re caring for is getting frustrated/irritated with our presence, but thats the point where it hurts to see that person alone when you want to care. But yes, you’re right that everyone wants his/her space to sort out issues…

    @Waqar: Why doesnt the friend share his space with his caring friend. Heat would definitely settle in when a caring friend doesnt get the response he expects after putting in all the care he can. Life gives us so much to think and decide about…

  8. Forsaker said

    Great post. =)

    I agree with Raaji. There can never be hard and fast rules to understanding human behavior. It varies from person to person. For me, my solitude is as important as the company of close friends. And this is something they totally understand. Everyone has a right to have a little personal space. Still, I’m constantly pinged by them when I’m upset. And that actually helps even if I don’t share the issues. Why? Because it takes my mind off the problem for the moment, and makes me think more clearly when I get back to sort it out. So if someone really wants to help a friend who is not ready to discuss issues, try involving the person into something else entirely, even for a short time. You could even try to talk about you own life, which encourages the other person to open up. And above all, showing concern for your friend should leave a positive mark on his heart, it would serve as an encouragement.

    I have just shared my experience. This couldn’t be applied to all am sure. =)

  9. @Forsaker: Welcome to Amar Bail. I think you’re right. A friend can, at his best, take away all the pains of his closed one, but if the other person asks for some time alone, this friend can at least make his friend relieved by taking his mind of the problem. This definitely applies to all…

  10. Seemi said

    Hey…The moment i read the title of this post, i totally agreed to it but the moment i read the detail i somehow disagreed. In my opinion,Caring hurts because it generates expectations and there’s nothing more agonizing then having the expectations shatter into pieces. (I would have explained this in detail, but i don’t think it’d be appropriate to explain in the comment). As far as friends asking questions that hurt us is concerned, i’d just say that those who are real friends do that to take all the hurt, strain, pressure, depression and all such evil words out of us once and for all so that the wound can be healed. If you know what i mean 🙂

    Trust me there is no better healing than to have the cause of the wound thrown out! So if friends do that, it would just hurt temporarily but would heal us permanently 🙂

  11. @Seemi: You’re right. Thats another perspective. We do have expectations from those whom we care, I guess thats natural. But why would our expectations be shattered? Thats the whole point. They’re shattered because we probably care too much, we ask too much, we want the friend to share things with us too much, and when it doesnt go the way we want it to, everything just vanishes… I would have loved to read your explanation 🙂
    About taking away the cause of the wound, thats only if the friend realizes that he’s being comforted and not being hurt, that his pains will ultimately be shared and will be made less painful… Anyways. Thank you so very much for your comment…

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